After seeing my Rheumatologist, neurologist, hematoligist, primary, another specialist all in 3 days with lots of more blood test now we find the treatment for my condition is Cytoxan which is chemo therapy. Even though a person may need a therapy their body may not be strong enough or a canidate of the treatment now They are considering IVIG as my next step . It all changes like a light switch, or blink of an eye my head is just spinning.   Anyway whatever treatment I end up doing is a life long challenge it is not something in my cards to do once it is an ongoing thing for the rest of my living live.  Gotta get some sleep back to UCLA now tommorrow for a long day full of specialists for all these multi system malfunction. I guess i am afraid to really tell people the fault in my stars. I hope someone truly cares . I am feeling very sad. When i go outside i smile and pretend and no ones truly knows and i am also tired of pretending.