TODAY

I HAVE TO VENT IT IS NON STOP THE TEARS ROLL DOWN MY FACE . WHEN PEOPLE SEE ME I SMILE , AND THEY DON’T GRASP IT. THE WAY THIS DISEASE EFFECTS ME ,IT IS ATTACKING MANY ORGAN SYSTEMS , THAT MEANS MANY SPECIALISTS AND MANY ISSUES TO TREAT CONSTANTLY . I HAD A JOKE THE ONLY THING THAT IS GOOD ON ME IS MY HAIR ,WELL NOW IM LOOSING MY EYELASHES. SO I GUESS THAT IS NOW EFFECTED.  HEART, SKIN , BRAIN , MUSCLES, SPIINE,STOMACH, LIVER, KIDNEYS , EYES,BLADDER (PARTIAL LIST) GET THE LIST NOW GRASPS THIS, IT IS LONG. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS . I AM A UNIQUE/COMPLEX CASE SO THAT MAKES IT EVEN HARDER. THIS IS A CHALLENGE FOR THE DOCTOR’S TO TREAT AND ME THE PATIENT TO ENDURE. IT MUST BE DONE , A CONSTANT TO GET THOUGHT A DAY, A WEEK , A MONTH. IF PEOPLE KNEW MY REAL LIFE COULD REALLY GRASPS(WHICH I DO NOT EXPECT, HOW COULD ANYONE REALLY UNLESS THEY ARE IN  IT) MY WISH IS AT LEAST  PEOPLE LISTEN , BELIEVE TO HAVE MORE COMPASSION AND TOLERANCE. I HAVE DAYS I HAVE TO JUST CRY. I AM TIRED OF HOSPITALS, DOCTORS, TESTS, BLOOD, TODAY AGAIN I WAS AT THE HOSPITAL UNTIL TONIGHT MY VEINS ARE SHOT THEY CAN NOT GET AN IV WITHOUT MULTIPLE TRIES . IM IN SO MUCH PAIN . MY ARMS ARE KILLING ME . TODAY THEY HAD MORE LUCK THAN LAST WEEKS ADVENTURE/TORTURE 6 NURSES AND MULTIPLE IN ‘S AND OUT OF MY VEINS WITH NO LUCK UNTIL ONE NURSE 3 AND 1/2 HOURS LATER FINALLY GOT ONE IV TO WORK. HOSPITALS…  I ASK PLEASE USE THE PICK LINE NURSES WAND OR ULTRASOUND, THIS IS TOO MUCH. BETWEEN THE CHEMO AND ALL THE HOSPITALIZATIONS WITH IV’S FOLLOWING THE ONE ENTIRE YEAR EACH AND  EVERY FRIDAY I SPENT THE ENTIRE DAY AT THE HOSPITAL WITH IV’S OF MEDICATION ‘S JUST TO HELP ME THROUGH THE WEEK HAS RUINED MY VEINS. THERE IS ALOT OF SCARE TISSUE AND THEY JUST DO NOT WANT TO WORK ANYMORE.  NOW WHEN THEY CAN THEY USE MY FOOT BUT THAT IS NOT GOOD EITHER. I TRY TO FORGET, BUT I DO NOT THINK IT IS NORMAL NOT TO CRY .TO JUST WALK AWAY FROM A DAY OF THESE THINGS AND ACT AS IF NOTHING WENT ON AND NOT PROCESS WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU AND YOUR BODY. I JUST WANT A NORMAL LIFE. THAT IS NOT IN MY CARDS BUT I STILL WANT IT, I WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE . (SOME PEOPLE DO NOT LIKE CAPS , I USE THEM TO HELP ME DUE TO MY VISION IMPAIRMENT) I DO NOT WANT TO DO CHEMO AGAIN I DONT AND I DONT KNOW WHAT MY DECISION WILL BE . IM SAD.

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